Monday I went to school just not feeling quite right. Since the school year has begun and Keenan is now a first grader and in a brand new, HUGE, beautiful building, there is much less time for the stretching and strengthening regimand he is to do on a daily basis. Added to that is the feeling I have about his progress. I know he will have times of "plataeu" throughout rehabilitation, and he seems to be in one now. But perhaps what has me the most bummed or discouraged is that an internal drive to progress has not yet developed within him. Anyone who knows Keenan's story can vouch for his STRONG will. It is evident in him today, but has not transferred to his own desire to grow and do things that may be a little out of his reach. He is only 7 and with more maturity I pray this will come, but it would be nice to see a glimpse of his desire to want "more" for himself.
So, with all of that background, I had a heavy heart and shared it with a friend I trust. Through our conversation I was able to step back from the center of it all and try, to the best of my ability, to see things from his perspective. I don't do that enough, so it was certainly time to take a peek. Many days he is being pushed to try to do something he has never done physically. Granted, most of them are not big, huge, scary things, but there are days he is presented with a new task to do that probably is scary to him. As you will see in the video, he is starting to try to transition from one area to the next, forcing him to move his hands from one surface to another. Letting go of something sturdy, being without it for a few seconds, until he can get back to another firm surface that he knows is safe. Looking at that through his eyes, thanks to my dear friend who gave me a great analogy, would be about the same as an adult being told to jump into the deep end of the pool knowing only how to dog paddle. Not a lot of security there.
I strive to find the balance in how best to wear all of the hats I need to on a daily basis with him. If I don't stretch and strengthen him, push him to try new things he has never done, Keenan won't do it on his own. He won't reach the maximum potential this procedure was meant to provide. The last thing I want is to fail him in this way. I need more determination while at the same time being in touch with his needs and knowing when to push and when to back off and give him time to just be a kid. I can't stay put in "tunnel vision" mode. There must be room for allowances and I need to let go of my own internal pressure to get every little thing done enough to be at peace with believing I did the best I could where he was concerned...one day at a time.
He has come so far and is doing things he has never done. I have had people ask if he is progressing as he should be at this stage of the recovery. I guess I don't really know, but as long as he does continue to make progress, that is the important thing.
I know he is tired from all the walking he has to do at school, physical therapy four times a week, and what I manage to get done with his rehab at home. Most days his attitude is great and he endures. That is saying something for sure about this seven year old who has already endured soooo much.
I am proud of him and will continue to search for that inner balance and peace, remembering that I need to stop more frequently to take a look at things from his perspective. It will make me a better mom and more caring "therapist" I think.
So, here is a recent video. It is not as long as I would have liked to share, but it gives you a glimpse of what he is doing right now at PT. I will try to get more soon.
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